Mother’s Day Mourning

When a husband passes away, his wife is called a widow. A husband who loses his wife becomes a widower. The child without parents is labeled an orphan. Widow, widower, orphan: English words that serve to ease the pain of explaining to others the great personal tragedy one has endured; with one word, the situation is summed up and no more needs to be said.

There is, regrettably, no single word in the English language to describe a parent who has lost a child.

When faced with the question of whether they have children, those who have had to say goodbye to their little ones are forced into the painful situation of explaining their loss and fielding the sympathetic “I’m sorry to hear that” and the far less-sympathetic “What happened?” replies.

On this Mother’s Day, I wanted to take a minute to write to all of the Christian mothers and fathers out there who have gone through this scenario, but specifically to those of you who may have lost your babies before you even had a chance to meet them face-to-face.

Your Pain Is Valid

First and foremost, if you have suffered through a miscarriage, abortion, or other death of your unborn child, know this: you are a mother and you are a father! You have gone through an experience that I would wish on no parent: the burying of your own child. You had children and the Lord God, in His wisdom, has taken them away from you.

The pain you are feeling is real, it is valid, it is warranted, and it is absolutely no one else’s right to determine how you ought to mourn.

Our God in Heaven has promised that He has seen every tear and that He is “the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction…” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4a). He is not blind to your pain, nor is He indifferent to it.

📘 Yahweh is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18 LSB

Please know that you are not alone and that there are many of us (yes, even men) who understand what you are going through.

This world does not understand your loss; often times they will cheer or mock you or use your loss as a weapon in their childish attempt to attack Christ through you. They are clanging symbols, noisy gongs, and worthless companions, devoid of love. That is to be expected, though the stings they inflict are no less painful.

But more concerning is the response often offered by those professing Christ as their savior, even genuine brothers and sisters, who offer their “helpful” or hyper-biblical “advice” on how to deal with your grief.

“It is a blessing you didn’t have to deal with the ‘terrible twos.'” “At least you don’t have to watch them grow up in this sinful world.” “Just pray harder and God will hear you.” “Miscarriages happen all the time; get over it.”

I have been witness to such interactions myself. They are all, at best, unhelpful and, at worst, absolutely wicked.

Even within evangelicalism, there seems to be a very real tendency to treat the unborn as somehow less-than-human, not quite a “real” child.

We don’t hold funerals for the lost child, there are rarely cards of sympathy sent, family and friends don’t flock to the side of the parents to mourn with them, etc. Why is that?

If we truly believe that the unborn are just as human as the born, just as worthy of protection as older children, why do we not treat them as such? Why do we so quickly expect the grieving parents to get over their loss and move on?

This ought not be!

So, hear me Mother, and hear me Father: there are those of us who mourn with you. We understand the very real pain you are feeling, especially on holidays such as this that so often might leave you feeling left out or unworthy of celebration.

I, for one, celebrate and mourn with you! Our Savior in heaven understands perfectly and mourns with you! Find in Him the comfort you seek and deserve, not in worldly traditions or fallen men and women who deny your parenthood.

You are a mother, you are a father, and you will see your children again when you enter into glory and find them at Jesus’ side, eagerly awaiting your arrival.

📘 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4